Wakefield Daily Item Mock Newspaper -- Wednesday, June 24, 2009

While I was back in Boston, I wrote a fair share of mock versions of the local town paper, The Wakefield Daily Item, which, for some reason, generally seems to have very funny and sometimes poorly-written articles. It isn't The Boston Globe, let's put it that way. But it's one of the many things about Wakefield that I deeply love and cherish anyway. Here's just one of the mock versions I wrote--hopefully there will be more to come, unless I'm too lazy to type them up. =P

Most stories and persons are fictional; only a select few are real. All police logs are fictional.

Wakefield Daily Item
Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Police Department Warns Against Fireworks on 4th
-Wakefield
-Police issued a public announcement Tuesday claiming that the P.D. will not tolerate use of personal fireworks or firecrackers this 4th of July week (June 27-July 5). Dep. Will Halveles said that the P.D. plans to "crack down" on firework/firecracker use "as much as possible." The fine for violating these new rules can be as much as $275, depending on the level of the offense. Said Halveles, "If you use fireworks this 4th, we will know, we will find you, and you will have to pay up."

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At 7:22 a.m. Tuesday, off duty officer Rick Pikee was cruising back streets when he found a middle aged man being subdued by a teenager at 12 Catalpa Street. Investigation showed that the teenager, Peter Dorset, 17, had caught the man, identified as Paul Jenkins, 33, of 7 West Rd., Peabody, breaking into a neighbor's house. Dorset had tackled and subdued Jenkins about two minutes before police arrived. Jenkins was arrested for breaking and entering and petty theft, though, fortunately, he had stolen nothing other than a half-eaten cinnamon keugle from a refrigerator.

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A kitchen fire was reported at 10:11 a.m.; police forwarded the situation to the fire apparatus.

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In other business yesterday, police:

• broke up a physical altercation between a party of youths at Yueull School at 6:13 a.m.
• At 6:51 a.m., police responded to an alarms call at an office building on Water Street. A custodian had set off the alarm accidentally, it transpired.
• At 9:42 a.m., a dog was reported to be romping on Redfield Road unleashed.
• At 3:37 p.m., police cleaned up graffiti on a Bay State Road storefront.
• At 8:11 p.m., police arrested Solma Pakijon, 32, for trying to detonate a mailbox.
• At 11:55 p.m., police responded to a call about "mysterious activity" on Sesame Street. No one was present when police arrived.
• At 4:22a.m. this morning, a Chestnut Street resident reported someone had just driven into a pole.
• At 11:01 a.m., police responded to a call about youths playing baseball in the middle of a street.

Mosquito spraying dates released

-Wakefield

-Dates and times for mosquito spraying have been released.

LOCATION DATE TIME

N of Water St., W of Main St. 7/15 6-11p N of Water St., E of Main St. 7/18 6-11p S of Water St., W of Main St. 7/12 5-10p

S of Water St., E of Main St. 7/14 4-9p

If residents see a spray truck coming, they are advised to go indoors and stay indoors for 20 minutes.

Galvin MS will NOT hold summer school

-Wakefield

-Strapped for funding, and dealing with the Amonson case, Galvin Middle School summer classes have been moved to Wakefield High School and will begin June 29 pending school board approval. Algebra 1, English 6, English 7, Life Science, Biology 11, Biology 12, Pre-Algebra, Algebra 2, Calculus, and World History 10 and 11 are the classes scheduled to be offered at WHS. Call Royce (781) 001-0507.

Birth Announcement & Birth Tallies

-Wakefield

-Daniella (Allens) and Patrick Localman of Wakefield are ecstatic to announce the birth of their son, Jesephiah Localman, June 12, 2009, at Melrose-Wakefield Hospital. Maternal grandparents are Molly and Rich Allens of Melrose. Paternal grandparents are John and Shelly Localman of Wakefield. On Tuesday, four births were recorded at Melrose-Wakefield Hospital.

Nats 13/14s qualify for winners bracket

-Saugus

-Wakefield's 13/14-year-old National All Stars toppled 1st-seeded Saugus to earn a winners' bracket berth for the championships starting June 28. This is the first time since 1998 the Nats have qualified for the winners' bracket. They will be seeded 4th, and play 5th-seeded Quincy Sunday in Wakefield. A largely uneventful but successful game found Cody Richman hitting a 2-run homer in the 7th to clinch a 2-run win.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E

WAKEFIELD 0 0 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 2 5 1

Saugus 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 3 0